Is it or isn’t it?

Conscience is a b**ch.

Just like karma, it keeps getting back to me. I am what I am. A compilation of my blissful childhood, happy memories, good deeds and other not so good things also. I have lived a life where I was both honest and secretive, right and wrong, and good and bad. I guess it was all situational. At least, that is what I always told myself. Trying to shrug off the deep early morning thoughts, I opened my eyes. There I was, in my dusty old apartment on my narrow warm bed. On the gray wall was our happy picture – a random click from a holiday we took to Colorado, with the canyon in the background and smiles in the foreground. Jenny decided that we looked more vibrant than our usual selves and decided to hang it across the bed to wake up with that positivity. Like always, I agreed and wore a smile each time I rolled out. The coffee machine was waiting and so were the messages on my phone which I had forgotten to listen to, the other night. Pressing them both, I waited.

Mornings were perfect. Our love made them perfect. The vibrant rays sure had an impact on our smiles. But so did the shadows that came with the sun. They were a whole package. Why was it difficult for Jenny to adapt to that? Even though I was hopeful about tomorrow’s sunshine, the darkness from today had left her with no patience. “How can you do it? Is the human in you completely dead, that you have made a living out of it? What will your mom say? Have you told her yet?” this was Jenny’s worry for a while, until she stopped asking. “It is all going to go away and everything will be back to normal. Just a few more days. Just a few more assignments until I make enough money.” I kept telling myself and Jenny. I choose to somewhat believe and stand by it. She didn’t.  She posed difficult choices for me. It was love or life. I knew I would love her throughout my life. I choose life. It has been a year since she gave up our 3 years of togetherness. She found love again and moved on leaving me all by myself, still wandering in her thoughts. Like I said,  I knew that this would all end very soon. I did not know how and when, but I was gladly looking forward to it.

The ding from the machine brought me back to senses. I could not keep dwelling in the past. I had to come back to the present and try to live it. The coffee was strong – just like how I liked it. The message was strong too – summoning me to meet at once. I sipped a bit and thought about what Jenny would have done if she were me. She would not have landed here in the first place. But then I was not ending innocent lives. Should I have explained better that these were the bad guys and that there was no harm in hurting them? Even so, I wasn’t Robin Hood. Not in her eyes. I sipped some more and analyzed the urgency from boss. What was so important that it could not be postponed? After all, it was death that we were dealing with. Death can always wait. Or can it?

There was no time for breakfast, nor was there the appetite. So I hit the road to meet the boss. I reached the 40th floor of a regular New York skyscraper. The set up was lavish just like a corporate office with all the latest amenities and everything. Who knew that full-stops for many lives were decided there! I was a killer working with the boss with a team of four people apart from me. There was me, Tony, Jesse, Frank and Mr. X. The boss gave us the specifics and fine points of a case and we would figure out the when and where. We were adept at what we did and never left a trail. The cases were cut and dried for us in the told hierarchy. At least that is what I thought until the day I asked the boss about Mr. X. Although he was an ally, we never got to meet him nor did we collaborate on a case together. Apparently, all the distinguished ones were led by him. All of us were bound by death. Death of the specimens and in turn our own death in case of a demerit or an unlucky utterance. That is just how we functioned. It is quite understandable considering the huge lives at stake. My cases were mostly high-profile: politicians and celebrities and their kith and kin.

After buzzing in the password, the boss presented me with today’s file. Before opening, I listened. “She is very sly and canny. Her own family does not know what she is….” he continued the description. I stopped hearing after the word “She”. I could not do it. I had to find Frank or Jesse to do it this time too. Ever since Jenny left, I had mentally pledged to not take up children or women. Not that the men’s lives were any less precious. Jenny’s desert had left me on a sensitive note and I did what I did as an answer to some of her questions. Over the past year, I somehow managed to stick by my oath without anyone’s suspicion. Looked like there was no escape this time. It felt like the boss was testing me on sore with eyes wide open. I was left with no option but to accept it with a thick skin.

I opened the file and was aghast. I was stunned to see Jenny’s picture there. It all felt like a sick joke, only it was not. Conversely, I started to comprehend what the boss meant by ‘sly and canny’ – words he used to describe her. Could those be her? Could her own family not know her? It definitely looked like it, because there I was, dumbfounded. Before mouthing my words, I read on further to discover another bigger strike this time. She was Mr. X. Jenny was Mr. X. Now this was becoming all blurry and tens of whats and hows were in action in my head. It was time to finally ask them. After an hour of those, I was half heartedly digesting the fact that Jenny was Mr. X and that one of her notoriety had gone brisk putting us all in danger. She needed to vanish. Confirming my doubt, I was assigned this to overcome my weakness and get over her at the same time. I had to sit down and let that sink for a while. I was definitely sure that even if all of it was true, I couldn’t be the one to do it. I thought of telling the boss the same, but something inside me, some ray of hope of wanting to not believe all this made me say yes to it. “Let me verify the truth of it first. I would handle the task later”, I thought.

I went home with mixed emotions. Could this really be her? Why did she not be open about it, when I was? Why did she try to pull me out of it? Her virtuous smile flashed and I could not picture her playing the malicious role. All this behind my back? And all this for what? Was this why she left me? I was struggling hard to understand the name of the game. I wanted to go along my gut feeling that this was all a scam. But then again, my gut feeling also taught me to believe what I saw. So I decided to see it. I decided to spy on Jenny. I went to the other side of the town, which is the maximum that she could distance herself from me. I waited till she came out of her office. There she was, all calm and tired from a probably busy day at work. Or there she was, content that her identity was safe from the murder she might have committed. She reached home, hugged her boyfriend and retired to the sofa. Very Jenny of her. She cooked and had a happy dinner. I missed our dinner time together. She would describe all about her days work and now that I think of it, never did she leave a clue about this side of the coin. I was trying to study the veracity from her expressions. No deductions, none at all. I was still in love with her. May be that was a hindrance to all the conclusions. I did not know. I had to find out. The only way left was to confront her.

“What if one of the days, they ask you to kill me? Or your mother? Would you still take it up? They are eating the little humanity left in you everyday.” – This was Jenny in one of her outbursts. Two days later , I pressed the doorbell and waited. I chose a time after her boyfriend left. She opened and stared with a question mark on her face. I told her I needed to talk and showed her the file. She went through the file in detail. Did she want to know how her file looked like? Or did she just read it in shock? I could not understand. I demanded her explanation. Shocked she was anyway, may be from my act or may be because I reached the truth. “I had always warned you that this day would come. They are just trying to test you and eliminate your weakness. They know you have not moved on and this is their way of making you let go of me. I loved you and would not want anything but a good end for you. If today is the day you realize their manipulations and retire from this, I would gladly help you come out of it. We could work together and get over with it.” She pointed out to the man I had become but did not justify or defend her being Mr. X. I had heard what I had to hear. I decided to go with my gut feeling. My gut feeling told me to believe what I saw of Jenny from the past few days. I made up my mind to face the consequences and walked out. I hear her phone ring. “He failed the test.” she says. Death was coming now.